Texan Pool. No, I’m not talking about naked Texans in water or tight as Texans riding around in a jeep. I’m talking about card playin', gun-totin', church-lovin' Texans! When you lose a hand, you really lose a hand. No, I’m being serious. You actually get your hand blown clean off. It’s not pretty.
Customers say, “Excuse me.” What they really mean is, “Get outta mah way, you little toe rag!” Fake politeness is blunt honesty covered in horse manure.
Wouldn’t it be cool if God actually spoke to us? Like, actually spoke? You’d be with a lady in an intimate situation and the Lord would go, “Hey Dave, what are you doing man? I think you should really reconsider what you’re doing. It’s against the rules.”
What’s with all these fit, thin Santas at the malls? What’s up with that? Santa is a fat, jolly dude who eats, drinks and has kids sit on his lap and rewards them with gifts…erm.
The Santa Parade. I’m sure with all the things that Santa has to do, sitting on a tractor and waving to people lining the streets is low on this dude’s priorities.
I may have said this before, but, really? Whistling duck? In fact, yeah. It’s all coming back to me now.
Saw a "Star Trek" shirt online and I thought to myself, that’s pretty cool. Some fan in an online forum pointed out that the starship vessel on the shirt didn’t correspond to the actor on the shirt. The actor in question is the recently deceased Leonard Nimoy and the ship in question relates to the follow-up series "Star Trek: The Next Generation", and I was thinking that, yeah, "Star Trek" dudes are sharp. Nothing gets past them.
Apparently, you can now get chocolate sandwich slices. Yes, that’s right, slices of chocolate you can put in your sandwich. But only in Japan. That’s the only country crazy enough to do it. Although, given time, I’m sure America will get on the bandwagon. One of my favourites; cheese, jelly, peanut butter and chocolate. Dig in, boys, dig in.
Cookie Time, a company that specializes in, erm, um, cookies. Well, anyway, this cookie company has a product called Pirate Voyage, and on the packaging it’s got these bears that are pirates. Bears on the high seas, raping and pillaging. On the high seas. What does that even mean? Are the seas these bears are on high, or are these bears getting high out in the middle of nowhere? That sounds kinda dangerous, if you ask me. And another thing, who’s the captain of this pirate ship? Captain Cuddles? If you cross him, he’ll absorb you with hugs and tickles? I’m sooo scared!
Why hasn’t anyone ever made the "X-Rated Men"? You know, the mutants with sexually defined superpowers. Like Professor X, who causes people to have orgasms, Cyclops whose ray laser eye’s (yeah, I realise that isn’t the correct term, bear with me) that disintegrates clothes from a person, and last but not least, Magneto, whose powers to manipulate dildos can be very useful in the bedroom.
Well, that’s gonna do it for this time round. Hope I made you laugh and just maybe you actually wet yourself. I can only hope. Check out the website, check out what’s there. I’m working on a story for the page. Hopefully it might be going up in the near future.