Today I’ll be rambling on about lame superheroes and maybe other stuff, but we’ll see how things go, won’t we? We all know about the cool ones like Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Wonder Woman and so on. They are cool because they have cool powers. Batman has lots of money, cool gadgets and he is specially trained in martial arts. He is well-trained in delivering a smackdown. Superman is just plain super. He’s strong, can fly, laser eyes, the works. He’s a machine that cannot be stopped...well, unless you have some rocks from his damned home planet!! I mean, who the hell gets sick from the environment of their home planet? Anyway, I’m not getting stuck on that tangent, let me assure you of that. Wonder Woman is some powerful Amazonian woman who has a rope of truth? That sucks. No more lying to Wonder Woman. Guess that would come in handy in the court of law. “Did you do it?” “Yes I did. Damn it!” Spiderman is a kid who takes photographs of himself and sells them to the paper he works for? Yeah, there is more to it than that, but still.
I want to talk about the heroes that don’t have the cool powers. The heroes that have the lame abilities but still fight crime, because crime doesn’t take a break because the dude you are up against is a joke. So let’s start this ‘coalition of the willing but unable to achieve,’ shall we?
First up we have Cloth Dude, the guy with an abundance of cleaning cloths. Ever been in a situation when you’ve asked yourself, “Damn, I could really use another cloth”? This guy doesn’t have that problem. He always has another cloth. He’s Cloth Dude. If bad guys get filthy, then he’s there to clean them up! The problem is, however, that if one of those bad boys pulls out a gun, then the Dude's screwed. When a guy threatens to shoot you, what are you gonna do? Throw a cloth at him? Really? Duuuude!
How about Doorbell Guy? This guy is around just when you need a doorbell rung. This is perhaps one of the lamest ones out there. I mean, c’mon! Are you serious? Doorbell Guy doesn’t really have a purpose when a doorbell isn’t to be rung, and I guess that if the bad guys are inside a building and the cops are outside and they want to lure the bad guys to opening the front door, then Doorbell Guy might have a purpose. Really, that sound as lame to you as it did to me? I think that guy needs to be shot and put out of his misery. His tombstone could read, ‘Doorbell Guy. Now ringing the bell for heaven.’ That is a joke. The bad guys would laugh at him, and rightfully so. That is not a superpower. That is something a five year old could do. I’m being serious. A child...wait, no. A child couldn’t do that. They wouldn’t be tall enough. But at the age of eight, a kid could do Doorbell Guy out of a job. Quite sad really.
I’ve run out of time, but I have more to say on this subject, so next time I’ll continue. I’m sure you are all looking forward to that, to be sure. As always, keep it real, and check out our stuff, and our artist friend Gary’s stuff too. We’re all about support around here!
Will see you dudes and dudettes on the flipside!