There’s this juice company at work that uses innuendo, sexual innuendo, like a bottle cap that says, “I dare you to take my top off.” Wow. Who came up with that? Horny housewives?
Juice companies are approaching horny housewives to sell their products now? Well, it’s like they say, sex sells. It really does, but I didn’t expect from a bloody juice company. I got one, I really do. How about a seal on a bottle that says, “Don’t open me because I ejaculate"? I’m amazing. I should be in marketing.
A mum just threatened not to get sausages for her kids at the supermarket. This was a threat and it worked! The kids started crying out, “SAUSAGES! SAUSAGES!” before behaving. It was one of the weirdest things I saw in my life.
You all remember that quality show from the 80’s, "Quantum Leap", don’t you? Yeah, you do. It’s the one about that dude who travels through time and saves people whilst in their bodies. I know, I know. It’s weird, but everything was weird in the 80’s. But I’m rambling and not in a good way. I was thinking about doing a reboot. I know there was a reboot, but it’s shit so I don’t count it. I was thinking about a good reboot, like how about a show with Chuck Norris who time travels and has to beat up people in order to activate his next time travel leap? I think it would be awesome.
Saw an ad for a department store gift card ranging from $10 to $1000. Why? Why?!?! Why would you give someone a gift card with a bloody grand on it? What does that say about the person giving the card? I’m rich, but I don’t really care about you, so I’ll let someone else make the decision about what to get you. You know what? You basically have given a bucket load of money to a department store and have said, “Here, you look after this friend of mine, because I don’t care anymore.”
Saw a shop that sold ‘adult entertainment’ that was called Weirdos. Seemed rather inappropriate, if you asked me. But I have to say that I’d be put off going into a store called Weirdos. Sure, we all know that these people are weirdos, but do we really have to point it out and shame these people? Even these people deserve a little bit of respect. Why not get out the loudspeaker, “HEY EVERYBODY! ANOTHER WEIRDO HAS JUST ENTERED THE STORE! CHUCK, WHY DON’T YOU TELL HIM TODAY’S SPECIAL ON SKIN MAGS?” I could really do an entire set on this store. How our comedians haven’t dined on this meal, I don’t know.
I saw an ironing board in a department store when I was out that looked like a surfboard. No, I’m being serious. This thing was big ass big! It was big! After you iron your board shorts, you put 'em on and catch a wave wrinkle free!!
What if you could use raspberries in the corporate world? How cool would that be? You would be in the boardroom, not unlike Donald Trump’s boardroom. You’d be in there with all the big shots in their suits and calculators. The boss is like, “So, Johnstone, how’s our fiscal monthly report looking?” Johnstone then blows him a raspberry, complete with the big thumbs down gesture. That’s pretty clear isn’t it? Nobody will think that’s a good thing and nobody will think the fiscal situation is good after a raspberry, will they? Everybody knows that a raspberry is bad news. It’s one of the first things as a kid that you learn on the playground. Raspberries are bad. The boss replies, “Well OK, that was clear. I suppose we’ll need to work on that part of the business.”
The flipside of that is the thumbs up with a lot of shouting of the word ‘yahoo’. Nobody mistakes that for a bad thing. You might be an occasional customer of the store Weirdos, but everyone knows when you give the thumbs up with YAHOO, it’s all good.
“How’s our wage budget looking?” “YAHOO!” Clear, precise, any questions? No? Awesome.
Well, that’s it for another episode of my retardation. Hope you’ve survived with your sanity intact. If not, well I’m not taking you to the hospital. Here’s a phone. It’s like that game show where you get to call a friend, but you only get one shot. One call. No-one picks up then you’re in trouble, Buck-O!
Until next time, stay cool, but not too cool. Look around. You might be in a storage freezer. Trust me, those things are not nice. I was once in there with six dwarfs and a ring master. I know what you’re thinking, but it wasn’t that kind of ring master. You all have such dirty minds! No, I’m talking about a circus ring master with a top hat and a whip. Anyway, short story is we were trying to break the Guinness World Record for nude ice wrestling. Somebody decided to close the door and that’s when the fun really began.
Anyway, time to crack on. Check out the site, have fun and I’ll do it all again soon.